In 2018, I wrote a book titled Glow-Up Sis, Glow Up!. When I wrote this book, I was writing the affirmations I needed for myself. Affirmations that provoked an inner growth and not just physical. What I did not know is that 3 years later this same book with the same thought-provoking affirmations would resonate with me in a different way. I also did not know that when I released the book, I would go on a journey of doubt, shame, guilt, depressed moods, and increased anxiety.
I was encouraging women world-wide to be the best version of themselves while finding myself in a season that I had no idea I would walk into. Just like many of us we want to experience the goodness that life brings, and nothing can truly prepare us for those unexpected moments that find its way into our journey.
Now let me be honest, because Courtney is going to give you transparency, I knew I was going to write this blog to give reason behind my Glow Up Sis…Self-Love Masterclass: Improve your relationship with self and others. However, I was unsure of how I would share my truth and release it for the world to read. A major part of this recommencement of self-love includes a part of my life that I have moved on from and just to be blunt: I’m tired of giving it energy that it does not deserve.
Here’s the real tea, no matter how much I’ve moved through it and still healing through it — it is now a piece of my journey, one that has revealed so much to me and has brought me to this place I am in now…undeniably loving myself.
At some point while in therapy, I remember saying to my therapist: “he told me all the time that I didn’t love myself and he was right. I didn’t love myself because I stayed with him”. Whew, that was heavy to admit…a person who played a role in my heartbreak was also the person whose words would lead me to this version of Courtney I’m in now — healed, healing, full of joy, full of peace, and fully in love with myself. Those words not only rang true for that relationship but for relationships with my friends, family, and even in my career. Reflecting on those words made me open my eyes and realize the many ways I had settled in life and played myself short.
I’ve spent much time revisiting 2018 (and other moments in my life) wondering where it began, trying to figure out when it started to spiral out of control, what went wrong, and what should have I done differently. There were many things beyond my control like unexpected deaths of cherished loved ones, however, I had to revisit the part I did play such as: blatantly ignore red flags to see the good in someone, believing the words of many others that I subconsciously internalized, and not trusting myself enough to follow my instincts.
I also had to take a look at why I thought I DID love myself.
At the time I was 27 approaching 28. A young Black woman that had done very well for herself. I received my Masters degree in 2017, released a book in 2018, had two good jobs, had my own place, had a brand-new car, I was losing weight, and on top of that I have many other accomplishments to be proud of prior to 2018. Not to mention I am loyal and my love is pure — surely that equates to loving yourself right?
Wrong!
What I now realize, is what I believe so many of us deal with especially women of color, equating our love for self to our accomplishments and what we feel we have to offer others.
While those words “you don’t love yourself” use to cut like a knife, now I have used them to aid in my healing journey and I want to use them to help you in yours. Self-love goes deeper than the surface because having materialistic items mean absolutely nothing if we do not set boundaries, get clear about what makes us feel good vs what does not, own our individualities, trust our intuition, heal from our trauma, learn how to forgive self & others, improve our overall mental/emotional well-being, and learn to give the love we long to give to others to ourselves first.
My hope for us is that when we look in the mirror that we do not just see our physical beauty, but we see the beauty of our souls that not only elevates our looks but lifts everything connected to us. Now I can surely say that I am satisfied with the place I am in, all that is attached me, all that is on its way to me, and the way that I love myself. The evidence is in the fruit of my boundaries, not settling, my self-care, how I learn/evolve, connecting with & owning my feelings, my attitude, my responses to what makes me feel good & what does not, and overall choosing me every day without a doubt. As I continue to evolve in love for self, it is my desire to help others go beyond the surface to do the same.
With love,
Courtney Arlesia
To purchase tickets to Glow Up Sis…Self-Love Masterclass: Improve your relationship with self and others click here!
